Ideas

Crimes Against Vanity

Ted Mitchell is guilty as charged, and here's the evidence to prove it.

By Ted Mitchell
Published July 05, 2006

Word on my street is that I am an embarrassment to the neighbourhood. My culpability is explained by the photographic evidence to be presented:

Exhibit 1

Exhibit 1: Lawn invaded by weeds
Exhibit 1: Lawn invaded by weeds

Lawn invaded by weeds. Note the ugly yellow weed and that evil clover, you just can't get rid of the stuff. A little chemicals, fertilizer and copious water should get this mess into shape.

Exhibit 2

Exhibit 2: Stray tall grass
Exhibit 2: Stray tall grass

Stray tall grass. Doesn't this idiot realize that you can get rid of this unsightly scar with a 2 stroke string trimmer? What did you say? I can't hear you. Can you turn that thing off?

Exhibit 3

Exhibit 3: Solar-powered clothes dryer
Exhibit 3: Solar-powered clothes dryer

Solar-powered clothes dryer. Can you believe the shamelessness it takes to hang out laundry for everyone to see? Doesn't he know we invented the clothes dryer to achieve a little human decency?

Exhibit 4

Exhibit 4: Weeds in the pavement
Exhibit 4: Weeds in the pavement

Nobody else on the street would be caught dead with weeds growing through cracks in the pavement. There should be a law against this.

Exhibit 5

Exhibit 5: Linoleum
Exhibit 5: Linoleum

In the house, oh my Gawd look at that ugly linoleum! You would think they could at least afford some nice trendy tile. I mean, the kids will have to learn not to walk around the freezing floor in bare feet and you can't drop any plates on it or both tile and plates shatter, but I mean, really, now.

Exhibit 6

Exhibit 6: Huge weed
Exhibit 6: Huge weed

This is mortifying. You would think he's actually proud of that huge weed. Do you know what this does to property values?

Ted Mitchell, although not a gardener, claims to have his five senses intact. His neighbour's priorities can only be explained if their entire brains have been taken over by the visual cortex.

Ted Mitchell is a Hamilton resident, emergency physician and sometimes agitator who recently completed a BEng at McMaster University. He is fascinated by aspects of our culture that are harmful, but avoid serious public discussion.

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