A fun and easy-to-follow End Of The World Checklist to help cheer you up and perhaps even forestall our inevitable extinction.
By Ben Bull
Published February 09, 2007
We've all seen those guys walking around town with a sign around their necks that says "The End Is Nigh" - right? And which of us can say we haven't chuckled at them from time to time? Come on, admit it!
"Look at that poor little beggar," you probably said. "He's quite mental."
Well, with scientists now predicting environmental collapse in the not-too-distant future, who's laughing now?
Certainly not us. We at RTH recognize as much as anyone the serious environmental challenges that lie ahead. And you don't have tell us that this is definitely not a laughing matter. But what the hell. This doom and gloom is all getting a bit too serious.
We've decided that instead of grumbling amongst ourselves and quoting all sorts of depressing figures like we usually do we'll give you, our readers, a fun and easy-to-follow End Of The World Checklist to help cheer you up and perhaps even forestall our inevitable extinction.
We should point out that this checklist is based on proven scientific facts1. And what's more, RTH has it on good authority that Stephen Harper himself has ratified it!2
So, without further ado, allow us to present your free, print-out-and-keep,
|1||Pretend you're Bruce Willis. When global warming really kicks into gear scientists are predicting it will be just like one of those cheesy disaster movies with no real plot and a stupid ending. There'll be fires, floods, pointless car chases, unrealistic explosions and tons of fake-looking digitally enhanced tornadoes. In surround sound! And who is always the last person standing when the credits start to roll...? You got it!|
|2||Pretend you're Harrison Ford, Craig Daniel, Sigourney Weaver or that bloke out of the XXX franchise (you know - the bald one). Why? Please see item 1, above.|
|3||Hold your breath! We all know that global warming is caused by carbon dioxide. And what do we emit every time we exhale? That's right! Scientists have predicted that if every person in the world held their breath for just one hour a day we'd have global warming licked! Perhaps we could do it like Will Smith during Live 8 where he got everyone to click their fingers for no apparent reason. Except we could get someone really hot like Penelope Cruz to sit on a mat and lead the world in a global Yoga session. Or something. It might not work but who cares? I'm game - how about you?|
|4||Try flapping your arms when you walk. This won't do anything to save the planet but you'll feel so stupid it will at least stop you worrying about the huge iceberg that's heading your way. Look out! Here it comes! Start flappin...|
|5||Invest in The North Face and Mountain Equipment Coop. Analysts are predicting that when the floods get going and the ice heads our way the demand for funny looking yellow jackets and oversized wellies will be huge! Line ups at places like MEC in Toronto and Amity Goodwill in Hamilton are expected to be over a mile long! While everyone else is rolling around under the ice the only thing you'll be rolling in is $$$$$!|
|6||Take out all your money, buy twenty cases of bottled water and corned beef and head for the woods! Software engineers are predicting that when the clocks strike midnight on New Years Eve - chaos will unfold. Why? Well apparently it's got something to do with the 24 hour clock and the way computer programs have been written to recognize the date or something...Hold on a minute...what's this? Oops, sorry - wrong disaster.|
|7||Now, where were we? Ah yes, okay: Lose weight! Again, it's unlikely this will do much to enhance your survival chances during the apocalypse but it won't hurt. Chances are when the end is nigh, the world will do what it always does when things starts to go bad: blame fat people. Or religious fanatics, visible minorities, people whose eyebrows are too close together, or people with ginger hair (I do, in fact, blame them. I mean, they just look guilty.)|
|8||And finally: find God! It doesn't matter which God you choose to believe in. Most religions share the common belief that when the global s**t hits the fan, it will be their followers - and only their followers - who'll be saved! So pick your flavour, say your prayers and wait to see if you've picked the right one!|
1. (well, sort of). 2. This is patently untrue (it was actually Stephane Dion).
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