Humour

Ryan McGreal Announces Candidacy

By Adrian Duyzer
Published September 24, 2010

Exclusive

Ryan McGreal, best known as a fervent fan of the Hamilton Tiger-Cats and for his role as editor of Raise the Hammer, has announced his candidacy for the 2010 Municipal Election.

McGreal is running in little-known Ward 16, a small but vibrant neighbourhood situated in the North-East corner of Burlington Bay.


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Ward 16 (Farr Island)

McGreal announced his candidacy at a hastily-called press conference on the small patch of rocky gravel situated in the center of the ward. Wearing a crisply pressed brown suit that appeared to be stained in places by bird feces, he outlined his vision for Hamilton, which he called "inclusive".

"I believe in an inclusive City Council, one that governs on behalf of all Hamiltonians, whether rich or poor, black or white, human or avian."

At times straining to be heard over the cacophony of the numerous supporters that flocked around him, McGreal directly addressed critics who have pointed out that he does not live in Ward 16, promising to move there "at the earliest opportunity", which will most likely be next summer.

Confessing that he's concerned he'll feel lonely on the island, since his wife and children have adamantly refused to leave their home in Ward 1, McGreal said that he's looking forward to enjoying the stunning waterfront view.

His first project, if elected? Connecting Ward 16 to the mainland.

"Some have said it's a bridge too far, but I fully intend to build a bridge to Farr," chuckled McGreal. "Get it? A bridge to Farr - a bridge too far..."

Adrian Duyzer is an entrepreneur, business owner, and Associate Editor of Raise the Hammer. He lives in downtown Hamilton with his family. On Twitter: adriandz

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By lawrence (registered) - website | Posted September 24, 2010 at 09:57:01

With the summer we have had and with the heated discussions on here as of late, this was a very welcome lol.

Thanks Adrian.

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By Ryan (registered) - website | Posted September 24, 2010 at 09:59:02

Do I get to wear my Gilligan hat?

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By realfreeenterpriser (registered) | Posted September 24, 2010 at 10:30:18

Well, at least, he'll be near a superhighway with its ease of access and "visibility" and not stifled by the "one lane in, one lane out, inaccessability" of a downtown location.

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By lawrence (registered) - website | Posted September 24, 2010 at 10:32:57

Well if you have a Gilligan hat Ryan, you should win by default. Wait you do. Just seent the pic. Votes are in. Hands down, Gilligan wins.

No what I would like to see along Eastport to try to prevent the splattering of dead seaguls along that stretch of road, is some sort of wall constructed by that island (are we talking about the one closer to Burlington that runs parallel to the highway or the one that juts out towards the harbour further towards Woodward), that stands fairly tall. It would have holes or ledges throughout it for birds to sit in/on, and it would create an alternate perch instead of on the top of the fence, which they fly off of and right into oncoming traffic. It would only need to to be 20 yards wide or so, but fairly high so when the birds swoop down as they take flight, they would still be well above the height of a transport truck.

In argument to the Spec article about this issue, they talk about this being a 10 year process, but then we read this today and that is our notice. When I do drive to work, I take Fairview/Eastport to avoid the highway. It's a nice drive, and Farr island and the one further down I believe add something to the Harbour. I never knew it had a name. I just called them both Gull Islands. :)

Comment edited by lawrence on 2010-09-24 09:40:27

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By xyz (anonymous) | Posted September 24, 2010 at 10:56:28

How about amalgamating Neare Island and Farr Island?

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By RealPaul (anonymous) | Posted September 24, 2010 at 11:37:17

The Bridge to Farr Island may be the biggest example of a porkbarrel project since the late Senator Ted Stevens bridge to nowhere. Since it has to do with taxpayers money, I suspect it will be a great success.

Go for it Ryan. I'd like to say I'd move to Hamilton just to vote for you, but I won't.

take care

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By another capitalist (anonymous) | Posted September 24, 2010 at 12:52:43

I would like to be your fundraiser.

Municipal Act be damned!!!!

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By nobrainer (registered) | Posted September 24, 2010 at 13:23:59

"How about amalgamating Neare Island and Farr Island?" The savings alone in administrative overhead will justify the controversy!

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By jasonaallen (registered) - website | Posted September 24, 2010 at 13:27:38

McGreal is a flagrant carpet-bagger. The unquestioning support you are all giving him are a perfect example of the rot that has set in at RTH! Give your heads a shake!

Jason Allen

Chairperson,

Committee to Elect Simeon S. Seagull in Ward 16

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By realfreeenterpriser (registered) | Posted September 24, 2010 at 14:14:30

Hey, don't mess with this guy McGreal.

I understand (from one of his unreleased studies) that the McGreal group of companies, a consortium of cormorant excrement analysts, will be contributing a whopping 35 dollars to the Hamilton economy over the next 15 years and will create .027 person years of work in the next decade.

Unfortunately, McGreal says he just can't make a business case for staying at Farr Island (see unreleased study above) and he's threatening to pull up stakes and move, birds and all, to one of the many Ontario municipalities that are anxiously putting aside public money to build him a new nest.

A bird in the hand........

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By michaelcumming (registered) - website | Posted September 24, 2010 at 14:21:03

I thought Bernie Morelli had these cormorant-heavy wards all sewn up?

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By Tinmouse (registered) | Posted September 24, 2010 at 15:06:11

Any room on that patch for a stadium?

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By Undustrial (registered) - website | Posted September 24, 2010 at 15:20:02

I won't stand for this nonsense.

Farr island was far better off before Amalgamation took away our right to self-governance. Building a bridge will only hasten development by greedy construction companies, and destroy valuable bird habitat. It's a classic case of globalized development threatening local communities.

I'll bet Harry Stinson already plans a 100-storey condo pyramid.

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By Michelle Martin (registered) - website | Posted September 24, 2010 at 22:14:43

I'm looking forward to the cycling master plan...

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By Ryan (registered) - website | Posted September 24, 2010 at 22:17:57

It will involve an eight-foot tall unicycle and some really big shoes.

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By mikeonthemountain (registered) | Posted September 24, 2010 at 23:54:30

Why is this a joke?

Ryan for mayor :)

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By Michelle Martin (registered) - website | Posted September 25, 2010 at 09:00:22

... or at least city council?

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By Bird (anonymous) | Posted September 25, 2010 at 09:40:09

I did not really want to wade into this issue which some will want to duck, but since it has taken flight I have to say this is just another case of a wallabye politician attempting to feather his nest. Oh well, hard to swallow but birds of one feather will flock together.

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By Undustrial (registered) - website | Posted September 26, 2010 at 15:30:59

Yes, it's a joke.

And by that I mean city council.

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By Skidoo (anonymous) | Posted September 26, 2010 at 22:25:17

Comments with a score below -5 are hidden by default.

You can change or disable this comment score threshold by registering an RTH user account.

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By Paul (registered) | Posted September 28, 2010 at 00:07:34

As a known friend to the Ward 16 community I have heard a lot of squawking about a new massive Aquatropolis development forever ruining their Ward. Feathers have also been flying over the debate on weather the bridge will help link the Ward with the rest of the city or just destroy precious blue space and adversly impact local food production. :)

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By The Finger (anonymous) | Posted October 15, 2010 at 16:55:14

This site is priceless ! Yeah let's get Ryan or any other RAZE the Hammer nutter to try and run for office. You'll quickly note how much this city wants to bike to work, carefully balancing a Starbuck's coffee in one hand (their unsold paintings in the other), to the grid-lock at Wilson & James. You'll have lots of people looking at them (because nobody will be moving), but I don't think you'll have many buyers because cities don't fair too well when their only industries are minimum wage Starbucks and trying to sell ART !
But, OH DO I WISH one of you birds would try. It would be PRICELESS ! You'll finally get the wake-up call you SO deserve ! If RAZE the Hammer doesn't want to put forth a candidate, how about Hamiltonians AGAINST Progressive Development spewing-off with Desnoyer as their man ?! Think of it-all the bike lanes one could dream of (hell, turn almost every street downtown into a mixed pedestrian/bicycle/art crawl situation), all the expensive,$hi++y coffee one could desire and ENDLESS ART !! I mean the world revolves around it right ? All REAL employment will have been driven away so Hamilton will go down in history as the legendary art-producing, Starbucks-swigging town of all-time !! Hell, we'll even deliver your art on BICYCLE for you, seeing as all other forms of transportation will have gone the way of the Dodo. We could start up a bicycle-truck manufacturing plant- perhaps bicycle-planes, bicycle-trains, bicycle-ships, too !!
It would be a real paradise downtown as well, what with all the 100+ year-old derelict buildings getting transformed into homeless shelters for all the recently displaced suburbanites. Of course all THAT land will be turned back into pristeen farmland as far as the eye can see ! That might be a little distressing for Mr. Desnoyer, his relative Maurice and his long-time chum Mr.Santa-Barbara, as they ALL have invaded pristeen farmland for the right every rich person has to their own private paradise. Now they stick-out like sore thumbs in their little rural/suburban dreamland, driving their SUV's to work in Burlington !
Another great project would be that single LRT line that costs hundreds of millions of dollars, running from west to east in our wonderful new downtown. After draining both provincial and municipal governments of available money, it sure will stand-out as a bargoon for this town ! Think of how it will transform our city core, just like the bicycle did, opening up a whole new spate of Ma&Pa stores, Art shops, Starbucks,etc. Who knows-maybe some high-tech industries will locate down here too, because they're so clean and green ! I can visualize the unemployed masses coming out of their little holes downtown, hopping on the LRT to go to Mac to become a rocket scientist or brain-surgeon, because that's what you do, right ? Desnoyer/McGreal will undoubtedly pass a law to the effect that EVERYBODY HAS TO GET A DEGREE at college or university or you will have your sorry a$$ shipped out of Hamilton (on a bike !). We KNOW everyone aspires to become an urban planner, a green-business executive (high-tech no-less), conservationalist-lawyer, environmental engineer,etc. (at the very least it'll behoove-you to do ANYTHING to get out of here !!).
There's just NO reason to have blue-collar work in this city anymore, it's too dirty & stinky and we don't like the ignorant folk who perform these trivial tasks. What do they do anyway that benefits us in any way ? We don't use steel for anything, we don't ship ANYTHING anywhere. Hamilton is an isolated, sleepy bedroom community where the REAL people bike to their art jobs or SUV to their high-tech jobs in Burlington ! Hamilton has nothing to offer the province other than Art, some bike trails and a single LRT line !! We're busy trying to be Toronto's gay little brother, so leave us alone with your blue-collar trash. Besides, it's not as if we're located at the centre of anything, like-say, the Golden Horseshoe !
So a vibrant arts community, loaded with biking opportunities, a single LRT line, tons of ma & pa stores, Starbuck's, green high-tech light industry, millions of hectares of farmland all producing food for the local community, grid-lock, no suburbs, no residences in rural/suburban areas (except for the aforementioned Desnoyer families/Santa-Barbara families), no industry there or anywhere else unless it's located on northend brownfield sites (because that's the only place you put ANY kind of industry no matter it's particular needs (just like Mikey Desnoyer's company Etratech...ooops-he's NOT THERE, but in Burlington-we'll just ignore THAT little bomb !), EVERY building in Hamilton that is 50 years old or more HAS to be preserved and turned into condos or another homeless shelter (I guess you're gonna need-'em !),or into museums or something (because people from ALL over just can't wait to tour derelict buildings), no airport (will be turned into Mikey's backyard !), and of course EVERYONE HAS TO HAVE A DEGREE !!
Oh, I have a tear in my eye !!


3...2...1... Let the negative voting commence !

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By Ryan (registered) - website | Posted October 15, 2010 at 17:38:40

Upvoted.

I normally don't approve trolling, but that was epic.

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By z jones (registered) | Posted October 15, 2010 at 18:46:48

Let's try to make this epic troll the highest-voted comment. Cmon RTH, I know we can do it!!

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By Deej (registered) | Posted October 16, 2010 at 23:53:50

Hey guys/gals. Just stumbled across this thread and thought for a brief moment that you really were running Ryan!You really should think about running though because it seems you care more about the city than most.Have you ever thought about it?By the way,this is my first post!(long time lurker)

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