Raise the Hammer
Moses' version has been around for millenia. Perhaps it's time for a change or ten.
By Kevin Somers
Aug. 30, 2006
Strict adherence to scripture has been the source of too much strife recently, so I’ve amended the Ten Commandments. If thou art of a different faith but similar mind, feel free to draft amendments of thine own.
I am the Lord thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. Thou shalt have no other gods before me. However, if thou want to check out other Gods and religions; compare options, features, rituals, and expectations, that’s great. I welcome the competition. I am confident thou wilt be back. Thy choices will be factored into the decision at the Pearly Gates, however, so don’t be stupid.
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. However, if thou hit thy thumb with a hammer or thy shin with an axe, take away. If thou art suddenly horrified by foul odor on an elevator or subway, thou canst mutter Jesus under thy breath, once. If the plane thou art on suddenly nosedives, thou canst scream it as often as thou please. Thou canst also take the name of the Lord thy God in vain if thou get pulled over, punched out, or pregnant out-of-wedlock.
Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them. Thou shalt be concise and thou shalt not go on and on.
Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. That’s tough when the malls are open and football is on, so consider the Sabbath day scrapped. Remember the Titans instead.
Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long. If their days become too long, however, consider a good home. If one or both parents are absent or abusive, feel no obligation to honour them.
Thou shalt not kill. Unless, of course, it is in self-defense or state-sponsored, then blast away. Likewise, if something gets in thy house or garbage, or kills thy plants or livestock: terminate at thy will. Or, if thou canst consume it, cook it, hook it, mount it, sell it, shoot it, skin it, snare it, or wear it, then kill, kill, kill.
Thou shalt not commit adultery. This is especially important to remember if thou art president.
Thou shalt not steal: Thou shalt pay for thy cable, video games, internet, movies, music, and satellite; Thou shalt declare the real age of thy children at admission booths; Thou shalt not stiff the waitress; Thou shalt pay all taxes and refrain from cash deals; Thou shalt not lie at the border and thou shalt pay duties; Thou shalt not exaggerate losses, expenses, or home-office space just as thou shalt not understate earnings, assets, and capital gains; Thou shalt not inflate overtime hours or phone in sick when thou art healthy; Thou shalt not use company phones and vehicles for thy personal use; Thou shalt go to the bathroom on breaks and thou shalt not chat too long with colleagues; Thou shalt not take unnecessary business trips or meals; Thou shalt stop categorizing golf as a business expense; Thou shalt not award lousy lapdogs with patronage appointments; Thou shalt show up for work, senator; Thou shalt not accept unlawful donations; Thou shalt not move thy shipping line off shore.
Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. Rarely, if ever, wilt thou be called upon to bear witness against thy neighbour, but if it happens, try to be honest. However, if thy neighbour is nice and in a pickle, bearing a little false witness is okay.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything that is thy neighbor's. If thou art coveting thy neighbour’s cigarette boat or Lincoln Navigator, punch thineself in the head a few times and get thine priorities straight. If thy neighbour has a great ass, manservant, or is married to Pam Anderson, thou canst covet secretly, but don’t stare, for My sake.
If you want to go to Mexico, and you're driving toward Canada, even if you slow down you're still going to Canada." -- William McDonough, architect, on how being less bad is not the same as being good
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