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Rare Items from the Classifieds of February 2028

Extinct floor coverings and death-defying snack foods.

By Adrian Duyzer
Published February 09, 2007

Rug of the Last Polar Bear

This polar bear rug is not just a luxurious floor covering. This rug is actually the very last wild polar bear.

When I heard back in the early 2000s that polar bears were going extinct because the Arctic was melting, I didn't believe it. But when I started seeing pictures of drowned polar bears, I knew I had to do something. If polar bears were going extinct, I didn't have much time left to shoot one.

I tracked down this bear, the last of its kind, using a GPS locator. Some conservationists had tagged it with a radio chip so finding it was pretty easy. I shot it half a dozen times but the holes don't show in the rug, especially on light-coloured floors.

$600 OBO. Contact Wayne.

Mad Cow Beef Jerky

Don't miss your chance to play the Russian Roulette of the snack world! Each piece of this true Canadian delicacy is certified to have between one and one hundred mad cow prions, making every bite a thrill ride: the odds of contracting Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease from a piece of this jerky are approximately one in 10,000!

If you've wanted to try fugu but you don't like sushi, this jerky is for you. $199 per box (250 grams). Ideal gift for thrillseekers and/or unwanted loved ones. Call We Mi Yun at 494 491 4944.

Three Real (Frozen) Bananas

When was the last time you had a real banana? A real, GENUINE banana - NOT the genetically modified kind. Have your children ever had a banana?

These three bananas have a history. My Dad was a bit of a nut. The whole time I was growing up he kept a box in the freezer, locked shut and covered in three inches of frost.

He refused to tell us kids what was in it. During the big power outage of '18 he dug a two-meter hole in the backyard and buried the box down there to keep it cool. It drove us crazy trying to guess its contents.

Anyway, Dad passed on suddenly last month, hit by a train at King and Wellington. I'll never forgive the jerk who proposed light rail in this city.

All clouds have a silver lining: we finally got to open up the box. Inside was a bunch of frozen bananas. Like I said before, real bananas. Not long before the last banana plant died in 2011 from black sigatoka, Dad put a bunch of bananas in a box and froze them so us kids would have a chance to eat a real banana.

Believe me, these have got to be tried to be believed. They are delicious.

You've probably had those small, hard, genetically modified bananas, the ones that give you "anal leakage", the medical condition first made famous by olestra.

Well, these are nothing like that. They're mushy because they've been frozen for over twenty years but the flavour is intense.

There's three left. This is a chance you do not want to miss. $2700. No negotiation. Call Alexis on my vidphone box number below.

Adrian Duyzer is an entrepreneur, business owner, and Associate Editor of Raise the Hammer. He lives in downtown Hamilton with his family. On Twitter: adriandz


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